Blessings

6 years ago today this beautiful, funny, sweet, amazingly tough little girl was hospitalized for a very very high fever.  She was 30 days old and the doctors couldn't explain what was wrong with her.  She endured 4 lumbar punctures, multiple IV's, and finally a PICC line.  She was treated with Tamaflu (special FDA approval was required because of her age), she was treated with multiple antibiotics. This was an incredibly scary time for me.  We had only lived in CLarksville for about 2 months and I only had 1 friend, John was away at Ranger school and Tyler was 2.

This was the most terrifying and probably hardest day of my life.  During this horrible time God was with me.  He sent me blessing after blessing.

The first blessing came in the form of Alisha, she had only known me a couple of weeks, and it was the 1st day of her new job, but she came to the hospital and took Tyler home with her so the nurses weren't forced to call the foster care system to place him until a family member could pick him up, since I was required to be there with Caylee.  Alisha, I will never forget what you did for me, you were a blessing straight from God and I still thank him for putting you in my path.

The 2nd blessing was my mother in law, Peggy, was able to get a flight to Nashville the next morning and was at the hospital in less than 24 hours.  I am truly blessed with the best in laws in the world.

The 3rd blessing was my in the form of my dear sweet life long friend Cassondra Fuller,  Cassondra went to her Dad, my childhood pastor, and told him that she felt like they needed to come to TN and pray for Caylee.   She called my mom and asked if she wanted to go.  You see we had decided that since I may need help for awhile, Peggy would come first, then when she had to leave my mom would come.  Cassondra, my mom, and Bro. Fuller all hoped in the car and drove the 12+ hours to TN, they surprised me when they walked into the hospital room.  I couldn't believe it.  It was just what I needed.  I felt wrapped in Love and support.  They prayed for Caylee, and after a quick lunch, drove the 12 hours home again.  To me it will always be a great act of love and friendship.  I miss Cassie everyday and wish that she could see Caylee today.

The 4th blessing was in the form of a new friend.  You see when Caylee was born, my mom and Tyler had my a couple at a Chinese restaurant.  They had exchanged numbers and my mom told the wife that she would give her number to me and hopefully we would be great friends.  I told my mom that I wasn't going to call a complete stranger and be like, "let's hang out."  So I didn't take the number.  Well my mom still had the number and she called the lady and told her what was going on.  Being in a hospital room is lonely, especially when you don't know anyone local and don't have visitors, so when this stranger and her husband walked in I was surprised and pleased to have the company.  Tabitha Sue and Chris are 2 of the best people we know.  They became more than friends to us, they became family.  John and I talk all the time about how much we miss them and wish that we were able to live close to them.

And of course his biggest blessing was healing Caylee completely.  She is a healthy, happy 6 year old girl.

Today always reminds me to never forget that even in the darkest times, the scary, pain filled times, I must remember that I am never alone.  He will never leave me, and even though I may not realize it at the time, some of my greatest blessing have come out of my darkest and hardest moments.

Thank you Jesus for all of your blessings on me.

Yesterday is over, Today is the beginning of the rest of my life

I have struggled with my weight my entire adult life. I wasn't a fat kid, I was skinny.  I loved to eat and I could eat anything I wanted and it didn't matter.  When I went to college I weighed about 145 pounds.  I am pretty tall so that was actually a very healthy and slim weight.    In college  I ate horribly and by the time I graduated I was 24 and weighing about 220.  I knew I was a bigger girl, but I was still the smallest person in my family so I didn't worry much about it.   I married my college sweet heart and we had 3 beautiful kids.  With every pregnancy I lost weight but, by the time my baby was one year I was back up to that 220 range.  

Me at my heaviest, 222 pounds, age 27

When my 3rd child was about 9 months old, I was 32 and weighted 220, a friend of mine was trying to loose a little weight and we started my fitness pal together.  Over the course of a year we lost a ton of weight.  I lost 70 pounds!  

Me at my smallest, 139 pounds age 33

I was skinny, I has healthy and athletic, and I was confident!  I  was extremely proud of myself.  The problem was I didn't want to loose anymore weight, I just wanted to maintain my current weight and maybe even gain a couple of pounds.  Well I put my fitness pal in maintain weight mode, but I stopped counting calories and then I stopped running.  

This is definitely the hardest part of weight loss,  maintence.  You have heard it before but you just don't understand the struggle.   I am a food addict.  My skinny friends who didn't know I was fat couldn't understand my struggle because they had never been there, and my fat friends only saw me as skinny and didn't want to hear my "size 4 problems".  I felt alone.  People couldn't  see past the outside of my body.  They just don't know that no matter what size pants I wear, a 4 or a 22,  I am a fat girl and I will always be a fat girl.   I gained that 10 pounds by Halloween, by the following summer I had gained 20, and now that Halloween is only a few weeks away I have gained 30.

Me today, 170 pounds, age 34

I am sharing my story today because today is the 1st day of the rest of my life.  It doesn't matter what happen yesterday, today I will do better.  I will try harder.  I want to be happy, I want to be healthy. The number doesn't matter, it is just a number and that number looks different in every person.  I want to enjoy playing outside with my kids, the way I did last year.  I want to feel strong, I want to fill good.  170 doesn't feel good to me, 140 - 150 felt GREAT to me, the best I have ever felt in my entire life.  I want to feel that way again and that journey starts today. 

 It doesn't matter if that feeling comes at 150 or 165, or even 200, as long as I can enjoy being active with my kids.  They will only be little and want me to play outside with them for a little while longer, nit is a ticking clock and I don't want to miss it. 

I am human

Today someone's comment on a social media page said that I don't deserve to be a parent.  Another said that my kids should be my priority.  No, their comments were not directed at me personally but they could have been.  These comments where posted on a news report today about a new car seat by Evenflo that sounds an alarm, reminding you to check the seat when the car is turned off.  I have never forgotten that I have kids.  I have never left them in a hot car, or a freezing car.  It could very easily happen to anyone.  It doesn't matter who you are, it could happen.  

In case you are wondering if I make my child a priority then let me tell you a little bit about me.  I am the Vice President of site council (PTA) at my child's school.  I am a girlscout co-troop leader.   I have never, not once missed a soccer game, baseball game, football game, dance recital, or school play.  I attend class field trips, and bake cupcakes for school parties.  I cook family dinners, and breakfast, and lunch.  I make sure my kids brush their teeth, and wear their bike helmets.  I sit outside for  at least 5 hours a day and make sure they don't get hit by a car while they are playing outside. I apply sunscreen and make sure they are drinking enough water.  I make sure they practice their reading in the summer and help them with their homework in the school year.  I make sure they have clean clothes and a clean house.  I take them on play dates and special family outings.  I am not saying that I am a prefect mom.  I am not.  I make mistakes every day.  I am human.  My children ARE my number 1 priority.

In March of 2012 my husbands job was changing,  I was 6 months pregnant with my youngest child.  I had a 2 year old and a 4 year old at home.   If all of this wasn't enough we received notice that the owners of the house we were renting were moving back to the area and wanted to live in their house so we needed to move.  On a Friday, at the end of that month my husband changed jobs.  On Saturday, he loaded up a truck with the boxes that I had packed and moved us across town.  On Sunday he left on a month long business trip, leaving me, pregnant with 2 kids and a house full of boxes.  On Monday, I cleaned the old house, took my daughter to the Dr. where she was diagnosed with Flu, and then drug her to the final walk through on the old house.  The next morning I woke up took my son to school, then headed back home to take care of my daughters and unpack the house.  typically I would have spent a school day running errands, like grocery shopping, I wouldn't have returned home until after picking up my son.  A friend came over to help me unpack since I was pregnant and shouldn't be moving heavy furniture and boxes alone.  I was out of my routine, I was busy, I was pregnant, and maybe a little stressed.   At 1:50 my friend ask, what time do you need to go get Your son?  I replied not until 2.   She told me what time it was and I couldn't believe it.  I immediately called the school and ran out to the car to got pick him up.  I was 20 minutes late, since our new home was across town.  I had forgotten to pick up my son.   Did I forget I had a son?  no.  Did I forget he was at school?  No.  But I had forgotten to look at the clock and pick him up at the appointed time.  I felt horrible.  He was fine.  He was in a safe and familiar place.  When I picked him up he was playing with his teacher.  I was very apologetic and she told me not to worry that in her 20 years as a teacher this sort of thing happens at least 3 or 4 times a year in her classroom alone.  

My story had a happy outcome.  My child is safe.   If I had forgotten him in the car that would have been a tragidity, but really what I did and a parent who forgot their kid in a car both did the same thing.  We were busy, stressed, and we forgot.  Does this mean we don't deserve to have children?  Does this mean our children are not our number one priority?  Does this make us bad parents?  No.  This makes us human.  We made a mistake.  

Let's encourage each other, not tear each other down.  Please share if you are human or know someone who is human and may need to know that they aren't alone.  Even the best of us make mistakes.  

Like My Momma Was

I want to be a mom like my momma was.  She knew the world wasn't perfect and it was a dangerous place, but she let me live in it.  she taught me right from wrong and then she trusted me to make good choices.  She let me run races, knowing that I would probably come in last.  She knew that I wouldn't get a throphy and that I might be sad, but she let me try.  She knew that if I lost that I would be ok.  I would learn that not everything in life is easy and that if I really want to win then I need to try, and try hard.  I need to practice and train.  

My mom let me play outside, unsupervised,  the neighborhood kids and I used to ride our bikes up and down the street, we used to have arguments and fights, we worked it out.  We made up games and played all day.  We didn't have "organized" play dates, where every minute of fun was planned out.  We used our imaginations.  

People say all the time that our parents didn't know any better.  I think they are wrong.  I think our parent knew better.  They knew that they wouldn't always be around to protect us and they needed to let us learn to protect ourselves.   I know that I want to be a mom like my momma is.