Blessings

6 years ago today this beautiful, funny, sweet, amazingly tough little girl was hospitalized for a very very high fever.  She was 30 days old and the doctors couldn't explain what was wrong with her.  She endured 4 lumbar punctures, multiple IV's, and finally a PICC line.  She was treated with Tamaflu (special FDA approval was required because of her age), she was treated with multiple antibiotics. This was an incredibly scary time for me.  We had only lived in CLarksville for about 2 months and I only had 1 friend, John was away at Ranger school and Tyler was 2.

This was the most terrifying and probably hardest day of my life.  During this horrible time God was with me.  He sent me blessing after blessing.

The first blessing came in the form of Alisha, she had only known me a couple of weeks, and it was the 1st day of her new job, but she came to the hospital and took Tyler home with her so the nurses weren't forced to call the foster care system to place him until a family member could pick him up, since I was required to be there with Caylee.  Alisha, I will never forget what you did for me, you were a blessing straight from God and I still thank him for putting you in my path.

The 2nd blessing was my mother in law, Peggy, was able to get a flight to Nashville the next morning and was at the hospital in less than 24 hours.  I am truly blessed with the best in laws in the world.

The 3rd blessing was my in the form of my dear sweet life long friend Cassondra Fuller,  Cassondra went to her Dad, my childhood pastor, and told him that she felt like they needed to come to TN and pray for Caylee.   She called my mom and asked if she wanted to go.  You see we had decided that since I may need help for awhile, Peggy would come first, then when she had to leave my mom would come.  Cassondra, my mom, and Bro. Fuller all hoped in the car and drove the 12+ hours to TN, they surprised me when they walked into the hospital room.  I couldn't believe it.  It was just what I needed.  I felt wrapped in Love and support.  They prayed for Caylee, and after a quick lunch, drove the 12 hours home again.  To me it will always be a great act of love and friendship.  I miss Cassie everyday and wish that she could see Caylee today.

The 4th blessing was in the form of a new friend.  You see when Caylee was born, my mom and Tyler had my a couple at a Chinese restaurant.  They had exchanged numbers and my mom told the wife that she would give her number to me and hopefully we would be great friends.  I told my mom that I wasn't going to call a complete stranger and be like, "let's hang out."  So I didn't take the number.  Well my mom still had the number and she called the lady and told her what was going on.  Being in a hospital room is lonely, especially when you don't know anyone local and don't have visitors, so when this stranger and her husband walked in I was surprised and pleased to have the company.  Tabitha Sue and Chris are 2 of the best people we know.  They became more than friends to us, they became family.  John and I talk all the time about how much we miss them and wish that we were able to live close to them.

And of course his biggest blessing was healing Caylee completely.  She is a healthy, happy 6 year old girl.

Today always reminds me to never forget that even in the darkest times, the scary, pain filled times, I must remember that I am never alone.  He will never leave me, and even though I may not realize it at the time, some of my greatest blessing have come out of my darkest and hardest moments.

Thank you Jesus for all of your blessings on me.

Yesterday is over, Today is the beginning of the rest of my life

I have struggled with my weight my entire adult life. I wasn't a fat kid, I was skinny.  I loved to eat and I could eat anything I wanted and it didn't matter.  When I went to college I weighed about 145 pounds.  I am pretty tall so that was actually a very healthy and slim weight.    In college  I ate horribly and by the time I graduated I was 24 and weighing about 220.  I knew I was a bigger girl, but I was still the smallest person in my family so I didn't worry much about it.   I married my college sweet heart and we had 3 beautiful kids.  With every pregnancy I lost weight but, by the time my baby was one year I was back up to that 220 range.  

Me at my heaviest, 222 pounds, age 27

When my 3rd child was about 9 months old, I was 32 and weighted 220, a friend of mine was trying to loose a little weight and we started my fitness pal together.  Over the course of a year we lost a ton of weight.  I lost 70 pounds!  

Me at my smallest, 139 pounds age 33

I was skinny, I has healthy and athletic, and I was confident!  I  was extremely proud of myself.  The problem was I didn't want to loose anymore weight, I just wanted to maintain my current weight and maybe even gain a couple of pounds.  Well I put my fitness pal in maintain weight mode, but I stopped counting calories and then I stopped running.  

This is definitely the hardest part of weight loss,  maintence.  You have heard it before but you just don't understand the struggle.   I am a food addict.  My skinny friends who didn't know I was fat couldn't understand my struggle because they had never been there, and my fat friends only saw me as skinny and didn't want to hear my "size 4 problems".  I felt alone.  People couldn't  see past the outside of my body.  They just don't know that no matter what size pants I wear, a 4 or a 22,  I am a fat girl and I will always be a fat girl.   I gained that 10 pounds by Halloween, by the following summer I had gained 20, and now that Halloween is only a few weeks away I have gained 30.

Me today, 170 pounds, age 34

I am sharing my story today because today is the 1st day of the rest of my life.  It doesn't matter what happen yesterday, today I will do better.  I will try harder.  I want to be happy, I want to be healthy. The number doesn't matter, it is just a number and that number looks different in every person.  I want to enjoy playing outside with my kids, the way I did last year.  I want to feel strong, I want to fill good.  170 doesn't feel good to me, 140 - 150 felt GREAT to me, the best I have ever felt in my entire life.  I want to feel that way again and that journey starts today. 

 It doesn't matter if that feeling comes at 150 or 165, or even 200, as long as I can enjoy being active with my kids.  They will only be little and want me to play outside with them for a little while longer, nit is a ticking clock and I don't want to miss it.